The Art of the Compliment
When women get together, they tend to compliment one another. We give compliments, and we receive compliments, especially if we haven't seen someone for a long time. Most of the time, those compliments are on a surface level. For example, the last couple of people I've interacted with has told me they love my hair. I have a new haircut, a little bit shorter, and people have said they love it. I love it too! I can do many different styles with it. It's really fun. People will often compliment hair, clothes, makeup, whatever, all the surface things we see on the outside. “Hey, it looks like you've lost some weight,” etc.
Those are great. I think most people tend to push compliments off. I've learned to receive compliments. I receive them as honest, true feelings within somebody's heart. But that was something I had to learn. I had to practice it. It wasn't something that really came naturally to me. It made me a little uncomfortable when people would compliment me. I thought, ‘Oh my gosh, they noticed me. I didn't want to be noticed.’ But now I know it's a form of communication. It's a way to break the ice. It's a way to open a conversation.
There are different ways that we push off compliments. We make out like it’s not a big deal or not true. “This old thing? Are you kidding me? I just didn’t have anything else to wear” Or we immediately return the compliment to take the attention off ourselves. For instance, if someone says, “I love your hair”, I immediately say, “I love yours too!” Typically, we didn't even take the time to receive the compliment in these cases.
One of the messages I wanted to share today is that there are lots of opportunities when we connect around the holidays. These compliments, especially the surface compliments…what we see on the outer person…compliments tend to happen quite frequently. Get in the habit of taking a minute, absorbing that compliment, and saying, “Thank you.” Maybe not immediately return the compliment. Receive theirs first. Somebody gave you a gift. Instead of giving them back a gift before you even take the time to receive theirs, take a minute to receive the compliment. “Thank you.” Then, if you honestly see something you want to share, then go ahead and do that. Take that moment, so they know their gift was received. That's what it was. It was a gift. It was a way to open their hearts and connect them.
I've received some compliments the last couple of days that go deeper than the surface. I'm in a discovery process, so I've started listening more to what people say about me. I've started seeing that there are some commonalities. I've realized that I've received compliments in the past, but I haven't really absorbed and internalized them. I haven't understood what they're trying to say; I haven't seen the common ground among all these compliments.
I want to share some of the deeper compliments I’ve received and what I am gleaning from them. It was just today that I started understanding some of this. Last night I got a text from a past client I had taught through my Transformational Process Engineering program how to create her signature transformational process. She helps people break through their fears. She's been practicing this, and she's a mentor now. She has several clients. She texted me last night and said, “can I have five minutes of your time? I need to run something by you.” I said I had the time, so she called me. We talked for about 10 minutes, but it was a short call. She said, “I have this client. He's a successful businessman. He thinks very logically.” she said, “I feel we need to get him to the heart…get him out of his head into his heart. That's where the change is going to have to take place.” And then she complimented me. She said, “I don't know what question to ask to help him do that. I don't know how to get him to do that. And I know with you, I could be in the throes of trauma, be completely in this crazy brain, and you would ask a question. The question would immediately bring me back to the present and into a grounded space.” She said, “I know you have a question to ask.” I asked her a couple of questions about the client, then I said, “if it were me, this is a question that I would ask.” I heard her breathe a sigh of relief. Then she said, “That's it. How do you always know what to ask?”
That was one experience that I had last night. I locked that away in this treasure box in my memory. Last night, I sensed that compliment was necessary to keep safe within myself. “You always know the right questions to ask.” As I think about it now, even as I got up this morning, I still felt the importance of locking away that compliment throughout my mentoring practice, especially the last ten years when I've been actively mentoring, as my job, that the statement is true about me. I can facilitate someone changing the course of their life in just a few minutes. (Go to www.askwylene.com to schedule a 15-minute call with me.)
I can talk to them for two to three minutes max. I’ll stop them and say, “Okay, I have enough.” I know the right question to ask. I feel that it is a gift within me. I was grateful for her asking to meet with her and for sharing that with me. It helped me to see that gift within myself. It was heartfelt. It was beyond the surface. As we got on the phone, she said, “I love your hair!” She had been watching my videos. Then she also gave me a deeper compliment that impacted me beyond the present moment…she impacted me and those I serve for life!
Right before I did today's video, I had another experience this morning…8:00 am. I had an interview with the producer of Sean Callagy’s show The Heart of Influence. I'm going to be a guest on his show this week. The producer called to interview me. He's Jewish, and he gave me a wonderful compliment that, again, was one of those things that I locked away in my treasure box. These things in my treasure box are part of who I am. This is the essence of me. This is the genius within me. This is my divine intelligence. This is who I am when you strip away all of the outsides. I don't remember exactly the way he said it, but after we had talked for a bit, he said, “the foundation of you, what you've shared with me, the path that you've been on, the foundation that you have been for majorly influential people, could only be an act of God. There is no way you could get in the doors you're in. There's no way that you could have the relationships that you have. There's no way you could be on the stages you've been on unless it was an act of God.” I shared with him that I am very Christian-based in my work. He said, “Well, I'm Jewish. We believe different things, but God is leading you.” That was a compliment that went beyond the surface. This was something that he was sharing, something he saw within me. Not to impress or flatter me. But, especially for someone looking more from a business perspective or a logical perspective of how I might fit into their show…the reality that he saw was something I had missed!
I did not realize the power I had brought to the table in many situations where I worked with people in the early years. That essence of mine empowered them to go on to be very successful in the world’s definition. These people are more now than they could have been without me. It was very humbling to hear that. Especially from someone who doesn't have the same Christian faith and has nothing to gain; that was a virtual stranger who recognized my genius. So these compliments, I did receive these. I even said, “I received that. I feel the truth of that.” I am super grateful for him giving me that feedback so I could see it for the first time. Lock that away in my treasure box of the essence of me.
For today, I know we will be engaging with people. We can give surface compliments; of course, those are always fun. And also, take the time to listen, live with these people for the short time we have with them, and feel these people. It doesn't take very long. On that call I was on today, meeting this man for the first time, he recognized my greatness within 15 minutes. You don't have to be with somebody very long to know what their essence is, what their true essence is beneath the surface. So please give them the gift of seeing that for other people to provide them with the compliment of that more profound knowledge that you understand of them. Then celebrate with them as they receive it and see it in themselves for the first time.
When you hear a compliment about you that goes below the surface, listen for the resonance of truth. You can toss it out if it doesn't resonate as true or feels shallow. Receive it gratefully, but don't put it in your treasure box. If it does resonate as truth, lock it away in your treasure box, and know that it is part of who you are at your divine intelligence level. If you will fully step into those pieces of you, that part of you, that essence of you, is where legacies are built. That is where you change the world. Whether this is something you monetize or do within your community, with friends, family, or church group, it's who you are. You bring a wonderful gift to the world. And in essence, you will become immortal to those you serve. You will never die because you will always be remembered.
As your exercise today, open yourself to be reminded of some of those compliments you've received that go beyond the surface…things that people have said about you. Maybe you've heard it from a third party, and it was passed along to you. If it resonates in your heart as truth, it’s true. This is you. Maybe the temptation has been to brush it off, saying, “oh, well, that’s not special; everybody can do that. That's not a big deal. That is nothing; it’s not even hard” If that's your reaction, it's likely that those are the things you're genius at. That's why it's easy for you.
When you recognize those things that people have said about you, the essence of you, the divine intelligence, the genius within you, lock those away in your treasure box and remember these are your most priceless gifts—not locking away, of course, so that you're not going to use them. Locking away, so you always remember them. From the moment you recognize your gift, you will lead with it. These are your strengths; lead with your strengths. You may even see some of these strengths as weaknesses. That’s just because your spirit knows you can do better. All of that is part of locking it away in your treasure box. Always remember this is a strength. You just haven’t yet entirely accepted and developed your greatness of you. Your gifts are worth more than money can buy. Nobody else has it. It is a treasure; it's a priceless treasure within you that you can give to others.
As we interact with people this holiday season, resist the urge to stay on the surface. Look beneath the surface. Somebody told me to make an excellent first impression, but it’s more important to make a good last impression. From the inspiration I received today, I am tweaking that. When you accept someone, a good first impression is created by saying the person's name and then giving a compliment. Giving a good last impression is telling the person's name again and then giving deeper praise. When the person leaves, you've had a chance to talk with them for at least a few minutes, and you learned something about that person. You took the time to make an excellent first impression. As you interact with them, look below the surface so as you leave them, you can repeat their name and compliment something you noticed beyond the surface—the first impression. And remember to always be willing and open to receive the surface compliments that break the ice, as well as those deeper compliments for your treasure box.
For more info on how to uncover your gifts, check out the Spiritual Gifts Assessment HERE
